Rough N Rowdy: West Virginia newscaster brawl can only be settled in the ring

About a year ago, I matched up on Tinder with a girl who worked behind the scenes at channel 13 news. I had recently moved to the area and was trying to figure out who was who at what station. With hindsight, I realize what I asked this girl was a mistake: “Is that the channel with the hot weather lady?” She rolled her eyes and sighed. It was not, but she she knew who I was talking about. Chelsea Ambriz worked at channel 3.

Young, beautiful, intelligent, I was instantly enamored with Chelsea. We kept the television at work on channel 3 during the evening, and every weekday I would get to watch her saunter across my television screen. She was a vision of beauty, pointing at cloud formations on a green screen and letting me know if I needed an umbrella or not.

I interacted with her on Twitter once, when her space heater died. I enjoyed her Michelle Branch reference.

I quickly realized there was no future for Chelsea and I. She’s a 9.5 and I’m at best a 6; it just doesn’t work out for people like me in those kinds of situations. Our relationship was going to remain with her as a tv personality and me as a tv viewer. In fact, the closest I got to going out on a date with anybody from channel 3 was when I messaged back and forth with one of their reporters for a couple weeks. She was perfectly amiable with me when discussing her day or work, but would conveniently forget to message me back the couple times I asked her out. I eventually realized she was being polite and didn’t want to hurt my feelings, so I slid out of her DM’s and I guess she’s breathed a sigh of relief and moved on.

It turns out, though, I was missing one thing that would have gotten Chelsea interested in me: I wasn’t married.

As the story goes, newscaster Erica Bivens had been out on the town, drinking with her husband in Charleston when the couple ran into Chelsea, according to a police report. It mentions that the two co-workers already had a tense relationship, and the night’s actions were kicked up a notch when Chelsea allegedly began flirting with Erica’s husband. The report states he turned her down and then snitched to his wife, prompting a confrontation. Chelsea allegedly lunged after her, and Erica suffered a fractured skull and ruptured eardrum in the process.

It quickly made national news, with everybody from Fox News to the New York Post, and a score of smaller publications, picking up the story. This old tweet from Chelsea is now very ironic and sums it up well:

No public statements have been made, but it would appear as though both Chelsea and Erica are no longer employed by channel 3.

The memes showed up quick:

In the aftermath, what we have here is a West Virginia institution in the news for all the wrong reasons. Channel 3 has always been a respectable news group. I grew up with Tim Irr delivering the news and Spencer Adkins talking weather. It just isn’t right that their good name has been besmirched by these two ladies and their alleged night of drunken craziness.

We have what many are calling a uniquely West Virginia problem. How many other small-town meteorologists crack the skull of their co-worker after hitting on her husband? I’m not one to judge a woman based on her appearance, but I will say that I had one main thought after seeing Ambriz for an extended period of time: “I bet that girl’s trouble.” The young, hot, successful ones usually are. One out of three and it’s not a problem. Two out of three and you may be a little cocky, but you should be fine. All three of them at once, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

So, how do we solve this uniquely West Virginia problem? There is a uniquely West Virginia solution that I think will leave everybody satisfied. Three words: Rough. And. Rowdy.

Bonnie Jo Mount/The Washington Post

Yes, the Rough N Rowdy Brawl, the amateur boxing tournament that has taken place in West Virginia for years. The small-time tournament recently got a bump of mainstream notoriety last year when Barstool Sports, everybody’s favorite “bro sports” entity, purchased the Rough N Rowdy.

Read this great Washington Post feature for a primer if you’re unfamiliar.

The court system can only do so much. This needs to be settled in the ring, one-on-one. No cheap shots. No husband in the middle. Just one former meteorologist battling one former newscaster in a fight to the end. May the best woman win. I don’t know if the husband will want to go to the winner, or if he’s happy in his current situation. We’ll let him decide that.

How about it, Barstool Sports? Can we set this up? Maybe not for 2018 — I’m not a doctor, but I’m figuring Erica will need a little while to heal from a skull fracture. But, let’s get this going for 2019 maybe.

Ambriz vs Bivens. The war to settle the score. Make it happen.

Until then, let’s try and remember the happier times: